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About Me
- Eruka
- I'm currently a student at Columbia College Chicago. My major is television with a concentration in writing/producing and my minor is theater with a concentration in acting. I like having three pillows on my bed at all times. I can't sleep without the noise of a fan. Sean Astin is the love of my life, even though he doesn't know it. My very best friend in the entire world is Tamora. She's cooler than you. We're writing a television series that will rock the socks off of everyone in a ten mile radius. We currently refer to it as "Notches" but I'm sure that we'll think of a more kick ass name as time goes by. You can IM me if you feel the urge, or hit me up with an e-mail. I'm a pretty neat person, and I've got some interesting shit to talk about usually.
1 comment:
I'm not completely clear on all of this, but still, I don't think you were in love.
I dunno, maybe you were, but still, I don't think so.
'Cause similar things have happened.
I felt once like I'd lost this friend I was really close to, the first person I felt lke was this perfect best friend, just the exact right one, and I gave everything to them, opened myself right up, and then feeling like they didn't want me anymore? It ruined everything. It wrecked me. I let it.
I was this miserable, angry person who hated themselves for messing up, and all of my grades slipped, and I was nothing like myself, and I tried to paint myself over it, and pretend like everything was okay. My mom was so worried, but I felt like there was nothing I could do. I was pathetic, I was wothless, I was a pitiful excuse for a person.
She took everything I had. She didn't even notice.
I thought about just giving up all of the time, about just wiping myself right off the face of the planet. Killing myself. I imagined all sorts of ways to do it, ways that were quiet and simple, ways that weren't- ways to escape, ways to punish myself, ways to make it look less graphic, ways to make it look awful.
But I kept thinking of the way it would leave this stain on the lives around me, on how I would send this shockwave through these people who were so unsuspecting, and how it wouldn't be their fault, but how they might take the blame.
It was unfair. I was being selfish. And, if it would effect anyone, even in the smallest way, I was worth something. I wasn't nothing. I wasn't no one.
And I'd always, always, hated to be weak.
So I started rebuilding, started pulling pieces of myself back.
I'm not the same. I'll never be the same, not ever again. But I'm alive and I can still be so happy, and I've told her, and she knows, and she won't ever really understand, but it doesn't matter. Because I forgave her. Because it wasn't her fault.
I have people tell me I'm such a strong person, the strongest they've ever met. And maybe I am. But if I am, it's because though I hate being weak, I'm not a stranger to it.
Being weak and fighting it, smiling and laughing and crying and screaming and living through it, is what makes people strong.
You can be strong, Eruka. You are strong. And you are worth something.
Don't ever let anyone make you feel any different, even someone you love.
Especially someone you love.
And don't stop loving just because you get broken. I know this is all kind of that stuff they put in Hallmark movies and on motivational posters, but seriously. If you let someone take away your ability to weaken yourself, to open up and let someone in, you won't ever be strong.
And the world is hard. You need that strength.
Hang in there. Keep pushing through.
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