I feel like I'm inside out, you've got me upside down

So I'm home for the now. Until I can afford to go back to Columbia. Back to Chicago. Back to the real world.

I hate it here. I don't think that anyone actually realizes how much I really hate this place. The way it makes me feel... And it doesn't help that I am so confused right now. With everything. With orientation issues, with my mental health, with my future, with my family, with my friends, and it's driving me insane.

Got my grades back, finally. Acting: B- Voice: C- Television: B Fiction Writing: B+

My GPA? 2.723. That's as high as it's been since like, elementary school. No one gives a damn. That hurts.

I keep having these dreams about this guy that I briefly knew in one of my classes. Where he likes me, he wants me, and I'm still in Chicago with him. And then I wake up and I wonder if I actually liked him that much, and where does that leave all of these other feelings that I'm having? Fuck. My life is getting so hard to follow. I can't even talk about all of the things, for the extreme paranoia that I've been feeling lately.

My sister is making my time home as horrible as she humanly could. While she's trying, though, she doesn't realize that she's the furthest thing from my mind.

Some things that will probably never make sense to any of you... What did those lyrics mean? Is s(he) trying to tell me something? Why am I the only one not on their list? Why am I even still trying this hard? Why can't I fucking give up on this? Let it be.

I remember when I was little... I used to dream about the perfect life. I used to want to be this famous writer and have a husband and have kids and get married in a beautiful wedding gown and move far away from here and never have to see my dad again. I don't know what I want anymore. I want to be writing my television series with Tamora and living in New York City and I want to have money and I want to be beautiful. For once, I wish that I was beautiful. I hate that I'm not, because I think that if I was, I'd be a pretty awesome person.

Fuck. What the hell am I doing?