Okay, so I hung out with Nick yesterday at Barnes and Noble. It was great, he has a lot of stuff going on with his family, so he's been pretty... unhappy lately, too. We had fun, though. I had a lot! I was laughing, for real, without worrying about looking like a dumbass or saying something stupid. I love how Nick is just the kind of person that you can talk to about stupid shit OR serious shit.
I feel like right now, I'm just getting by. Just biding my time until Columbia, but what if that doesn't work out either? What if I'm destined to spend my entire life "just getting by?" I really can't do this. I need to be able to depend on people, and I never have been. I used to think I could, but it's become painfully obvious that that's not true anymore. It sucks. It really hurts sometimes.
It's like this past weekend. I spent so much time, lying in bed, crying. Crying because it felt like no one gave a shit about me, and no one wanted me. It's like my last journal entry... it really, really hurts being ignored. I wish that people understood just how much. Who knows, maybe I'm just a crybaby.
M'kay, this needs to end. I keep trying to be optimistic, but it always goes back to this. This is me, this is how I feel. I can't help that. Sure, I can try to convince myself that there really are people who give a flying fuck about me, but when it's a case of, "oh, I care. I really do." but that's the extent that they go to, it's pretty fucking hard. It's not just my stupid self-esteem, it's a lot deeper than that.
Ugh. I don't even know anymore.
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1 comment:
Boo.
This is Hope, by the way. I've not talked to you in a while, and I wanted to check and see how you were doing.
You'll fall in love. It doesn't have to be with a person in that romantic, let'sfallinlovegetmarriedhavekids kind of way, but you'll do it. I don't think I will either, only because I'm such a fucking nutcase, but who isn't. My mum's a little nutty, but she managed (I love my mum, though. Endless entertainment).
I think there are a lot of people out there who don't think they'll ever fall in love. I think some of those people are the people who really truly deserve it. See, I don't even know if I want to fall in love. I'm a pretty independent person that way- or maybe it stems from the fact that I trust absolutely no one completely enough to hand myself over like that. Scary as hell.
But I think that's kind of cowardly of me. Why be afraid to fall in love, right? Even if your heart gets broken, all the time it's whole and they've got it, it's gonna be one hell of a ride. People die on roller coasters, but they still wait hours for that rush. Same thing with love, only the wait is so much longer.
You haven't posted on here in a while. I might PM you to see how you're doing, and when I ask, I hope you don't give me any bullshit. I'd be offended, right there (though understanding. So feel free to give me bullshit, but know that I want the real thing).
Also, the highs mean a lot more than the lows. Remember that. Also remember that people really do care about you. It may not be like a storybook, but it's your story and it's all you've got for now. I know that sounds like the inside of a fortune cookie. Ah well.
I feel like I'm just getting by sometimes, too. Of course I'm younger than you, and whatever, but still. Your live doesn't have to be all about doing this one thing, because everyone has to do something to be complete, or whatever. Just do what comes to mind, what makes you happy, whatever. Find something and go for it, if it doesn't work out, then whatever. You tried. If it sucked, and it hurt, then it did and it's changed you and you're learning and you're building yourself up. You'll have more character for it.
Even if you get depressed, and you stay that way your whole life, you can still be happy. You can still live the life you want.
I've got faith in you, you're a smart girl. Forgive the people who screwed you over, because it's their regret, their problem. Not yours. Then forget them. They don't matter. The people who treat you right matter, and if they end up treating you wrong then let them go, too.
And I know all that is so so so so much harder than it looks or sounds or whatever. But it's still possible, or people wouldn't go around repeating it like a mantra.
We're all behind you, Eruka.
:)
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