breaking us down with your lies

Lately, I just want to SCREAM.

I'm not okay, for fuck's sake! When you ask how I'm doing, I'm gonna reply with "Okay" because that's what you want to hear. You don't want to know about my problems, because, quite honestly, you probably don't give a shit anyway. I'm really hurt. I wish I never opened up to anyone. I wish that I could stay inside all day long and not ever bother anyone again.

This feels so awful. I want to talk. Like, seriously talk. I want to be able to talk without feeling like I'm just pushing all of my problems onto someone else. I really, really, really don't mind listening to other people bitch and moan. I feel good that they come to me. But when I need someone, I've got nothing. I always come up short. And then, if I do unload on anyone, I feel SO fucking guilty.

I want to do something horribly self-destructive. I wish I was one of my fictional characters, because then at least I'd have a reason to be in therapy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, my parents are assholes. That's old. History. Who the fuck cares about that anymore?

I wish I was like my RP characters. I wish I was pretty and getting mixed up with the wrong guys. I wish I had someone to come save me. Because, right now, I feel like no one would. If anything terribly horrible happened to me, no one would save me.

Let's face it, I'm never gonna be in love. Not for real. I'm destined to spend my life alone, like the dumb fuck that I am. No one's gonna desire me. I'll never have that cliche romance that most of us secretly want. I'll never make that much of a difference in anyone's life. What the fuck am I living for?

I really hate being ignored. It hurts. So. Much.