you are my sweetest downfall

2010-02-23T19:49:00.002-06:00

My laptop has died. For real. It's gone.

People equals shit. Okay? I've got hurt feelings, and it sucks.

I'm gonna get back on track now and start writing again. So then I can fuck up other people's lives and make it much more interesting and less pathetic, and then it'll just make me feel better about myself. So there.

I have a new roommate. :)

basically... I wish that you loved me.

2009-10-29T00:10:00.003-05:00

Kate Nash's "Nicest Thing" is describing me so much right now, that it kind of makes me sad. I just wish that I could give it a go.

Still living with Matty, but now James lives with us too now.

I'm still the third wheel.

I'm lonely, but I'm trying to be hopeful. It's just getting hard.

my heart is beating like a jungle drum

2009-09-15T19:13:00.002-05:00

So things have changed a lot these past few months. I worked. I worked a lot. Like, fifty-six hours a week, every week, all summer. It was exhausting.

I have an apartment. Matty and I are sharing rent on a two bedroom apartment in Evansville. It's nifty. As long as we don't kill each other. And I'm the third wheel, which sucks, and I hate it, but whatever.

It'll be my birthday next week, which is... exciting. I guess. I'll be twenty-one, which is the age that people seem to look forward to. I guess I'm going out drinking with Tara, but I am absolutely terrified that I might get addicted to this, just like I get addicted to every thing that I try. Like television. Which is weird, but I am so addicted to television now that it's sad. I just bought the fifth season of Grey's Anatomy, and I'm super excited and yay! ... But drinking is not something that I want to get hooked on. Blech.

I miss Tamora. It's been getting worse since my hours have dropped and I'm not working all of the time and I have all of this time to just... think. And Matty's getting tired of me being around all of the time, and it makes me feel shitty, and things make me feel shitty, and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Besides the fact that I am still writing Notches and it will be amazing. And I will be famous. And things will get better, but right now they're iffy, and I still feel hurt when I think of Tamora, and I can't help that.

I had some meaningless sex last week. Just random sex with a random guy, and it didn't make me feel much better. And Matty and James were all, "OH EM GEE, how was it?" And I don't know what to say. I feel strange.

And no one likes me but gay guys, and I'm tired of vagina jokes.

... so yeah. The end.

this feels so unreal

2009-04-22T00:37:00.004-05:00

So I started on this new medicine about a week ago called Wellbutrin. It's an anti-depressant, 'cause I'm apparently depressed. I was told that I show symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, but I don't quite fit all of the symptoms. Mostly the abandonment thing.

And I shouldn't self-injure anymore, because it's BAD. Pfft. Seriously? Is that the best that they can do?

So I don't really feel much different, but I have noticed the side-effects like dry mouth, insomnia, and loss of appetite. Not really complaining about the latter, though.

I keep having dreams about Tamora. One dream seriously disturbed/saddened me. In this dream, I was on death row for a murder that I didn't commit. And Matty was the only person that came to see me. I remember holding my phone, a day away from dying, and thinking "Fuck, I might as well call her now." So I did. Her sister answered and told me that she was busy, and I heard her voice in the background shout out "No!" And I said that it was really, really important and I heard Tamora in the background shout out in this HORRIBLY nasty voice "I'm hanging out with my FRIENDS." And I was just holding Matty's hand and bawling, telling him that I don't want to die.

Last night I dreamed that she called me. I was sitting there, and my phone rang, and it was her number. And I couldn't decide whether or not to answer it, and then finally I did. And I couldn't speak. I tried to say "Hi" but my voice was all scratchy, like I had something caught in my throat. So I tried to clear my throat and tried to say "Hello" but... I couldn't talk. And I woke up.

I've always had dreams where she's HERE and she never got that stupid voicemail, and we never fought, and things were better.

This is so unhealthy. I know that it is, but I can't make them stop.

The other night, I was lying in bed listening to music and this Flight of the Conchords song came on. And I just curled into a ball and I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. And I had these AWFUL chest pains, and it felt like I was dying. It only lasted like, 10-20 minutes, and then I just felt sad. But fuck. When does this end?

This is worse than when Steven and I broke up. This is worse than when Samantha said that she hated me so much that she wanted me to cry, cut myself, and commit suicide and that she wanted to watch. This is the worst thing that I've ever felt, and I can't breathe. And I feel so weak, and so stupid. I ended it. I ended it, but she didn't leave me with much of a choice. And it's killing me. And I want my friend back. But I don't like the person that she has turned into. I don't like the way that she made me feel, EVERY FUCKING DAY.

It's just not getting much better. I'm not staying up all night long watching Grey's Anatomy, and I'm not driving to the park in the middle of the night to have a quiet place to cry, but it's not much better. It's awful. It's exhausting.

I wish that she'd call me. I wish that she'd call me and be sincere for once, and realize that I do deserve to be treated better. I just want my best friend back. I'm starting to forget what it was like.

but my words like silent raindrops fell

2009-04-05T20:05:00.002-05:00

...

please tell me why

2009-02-10T01:40:00.003-06:00

I'm trying to open myself up. There's a guy in my speech class that I think likes me, maybe I'll ask him if he'd like to get some coffee... Maybe I'll invite some new people to go see a movie. I want to live again, and I haven't. I haven't since I moved back home... since before that, even. I isolate myself and concentrate on just a couple of friends and all of my devotion goes toward those certain people, and I need to stop doing that.

I am a GREAT friend, okay? If people don't see that, then it's their loss. Right now it feels like my world is ending, but things will work out. They have to work out.

So this is me. My name is Amanda and I am aching so much inside, but I'm trying my fucking hardest to move on. I will move on, and I will start a new chapter.

I still wish that she'd call. I still love her.

mother superior jumped the gun

2009-02-07T21:35:00.002-06:00

I want to get an apartment. In fact, I PLAN on getting an apartment this fall in Evansville. Yes, yes, I do want to live in Chicago. But I can't, so I won't. For now...

So this is my plan, which is already slightly in effect:

I got a credit card. I'm going to build credit so that I will qualify to get a student loan by this time next year. I think a year of paying my card on time will be good enough for the loan companies, don't you?

So there's that. Credit card. I currently getting unemployment ($150 a week) until I get my job back at Holiday World - which will start the first weekend in May. I will work at HW with Matty all summer long, and make as much money as humanly possible - and save it. (Split the gas and such with Matty, as well!)

When HW drops down to weekends only again (which'll be mid/beginning August), I will get an apartment in Evansville. I will also re-enroll into Ivy Tech and go there for another year to get some more general education classes out of my way. I will apply for jobs in Evansville and hopefully get a part time, which will enable me to attend classes at Ivy Tech for two more semesters. While living in my own apartment.

Then I'm going to apply for a student loan, hopefully get approved, find an apartment in Chicago, re-enroll to Columbia for spring of 2010 classes.

... The end.

none of this means anything in the end

2009-01-04T19:20:00.002-06:00

I've lied. I've lied so much to people that I can barely stand it anymore. I almost actually talked about things in therapy the other day, but we ended up talking about movies instead. I feel like I'm dying.

Last night I spent hours in bed, screaming at myself, crying my fucking eyes out, begging myself to make the pain stop. I wanted to be dead. I wanted to convince myself that if I died, then everything would be okay. That I wouldn't ever feel anything again, that I'd sleep forever. I wanted it so bad, and there's no one to tell. I don't want to talk about it to my therapist, and I can't talk about it to anyone else. If I told Tamora she'd tell me to tell my therapist. If I told Matty he'd laugh and say "No you don't."

So I've decided something: I quit. I'm not going to try anymore with people, they can do whatever the fuck that they want not have to worry about me being into their lives. Because I quit. They can go be happy.

School starts up next week, I'll be busy with that. I'll get a job and work as much as possible. I'll get a routine together and stick to it. Because I fucking quit.

it's time I let you go so I can be free

2008-12-28T22:19:00.002-06:00

Had a panic attack today. Haven't had one of those since finals week. It felt a lot more panicky than last time, though. Like I couldn't breathe and I didn't feel like I'd ever be okay again. Yeah.

I still don't really feel like I'm going to be okay. It could be because I'm all mood swinging and ragging, but what the fuck ever. It's not entirely my body's fault. I just wish that I could stop feeling, that I could just flip a switch and be happy non-stop. I wish that I had never felt these feelings, that things were the same as they used to. But they're not, and I can't make it quit. I want my brain to stop it.

I want to be worth more, so maybe I'd have a chance.

It's not fair. Can't I switch lives with someone else? Can't someone want me, for once? Someone who isn't a creepy jewel worker that sends me creepy lyrics through texts?

Fuck, I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I wish that she'd just understand that she's hurting me. Maybe she does know, she just doesn't give a fuck.

I feel like I'm inside out, you've got me upside down

2008-12-22T12:13:00.003-06:00

So I'm home for the now. Until I can afford to go back to Columbia. Back to Chicago. Back to the real world.

I hate it here. I don't think that anyone actually realizes how much I really hate this place. The way it makes me feel... And it doesn't help that I am so confused right now. With everything. With orientation issues, with my mental health, with my future, with my family, with my friends, and it's driving me insane.

Got my grades back, finally. Acting: B- Voice: C- Television: B Fiction Writing: B+

My GPA? 2.723. That's as high as it's been since like, elementary school. No one gives a damn. That hurts.

I keep having these dreams about this guy that I briefly knew in one of my classes. Where he likes me, he wants me, and I'm still in Chicago with him. And then I wake up and I wonder if I actually liked him that much, and where does that leave all of these other feelings that I'm having? Fuck. My life is getting so hard to follow. I can't even talk about all of the things, for the extreme paranoia that I've been feeling lately.

My sister is making my time home as horrible as she humanly could. While she's trying, though, she doesn't realize that she's the furthest thing from my mind.

Some things that will probably never make sense to any of you... What did those lyrics mean? Is s(he) trying to tell me something? Why am I the only one not on their list? Why am I even still trying this hard? Why can't I fucking give up on this? Let it be.

I remember when I was little... I used to dream about the perfect life. I used to want to be this famous writer and have a husband and have kids and get married in a beautiful wedding gown and move far away from here and never have to see my dad again. I don't know what I want anymore. I want to be writing my television series with Tamora and living in New York City and I want to have money and I want to be beautiful. For once, I wish that I was beautiful. I hate that I'm not, because I think that if I was, I'd be a pretty awesome person.

Fuck. What the hell am I doing?

all that I know is I'm breathing...

2008-11-25T01:16:00.001-06:00

I'm trying so hard to not care that I have to go back home next semester. I'm trying not to be judgmental to the people whose parents/family are paying their entire way through four years of college. I'm trying not to cry every second of the day.

I tell people that I used to self-injure. I tell them that I stopped caring and eventually it just stopped on its own.

That was such a fucking lie. I never stopped. It hasn't been as severe as it was when I was younger, when I was 15-17, but it's never stopped. I very rarely cut myself anymore.

Well, that is, until about a month ago. It was like I was on autopilot. I got online and found a site that sells razors. REAL razors. Before I've taken things apart and used those things. But now... oh god, a one hundred pack of new razors for me.

It hasn't been as constant as it used to be. I don't do it every time that I get upset anymore, but lately I've been getting those shaky hands, racing heart, and I feel panicked. I haven't felt that in a real long time, and I know that I shouldn't welcome this old, familiar feeling... I just do.

And the worst part? Someone that I shouldn't even care about has been triggering me like crazy lately. See, I got this new roommate a few weeks ago. She's a real first class bitch. An 18 year-old, fresh out of high school, mommy and daddy buy me whatever I want, I lost my $600 cell phone for the fifth time this year, brat. I hate her. She fucking writes on the mirrors! What the fuck is up with that?

I'm two years older than her. I should be mature and be able to deal, but I can't. Everytime I think about her I want to cry. It's like she's ruining my paradise. I worked so hard to get here, I tried, I saved up, and I still can't stay. I have to go back home. It's not fucking fair.

What's the point? Is this what my life is always going to be like? Just getting by? I want to go crazy and just hurt myself to the point where I can't move. I want to stay in bed and not get back up again. I failed voice. I haven't gotten my grade yet, but I know that I did. Do you know how much money I wasted?

Fuck. I just want someone to understand.

it's good enough, good enough for me

2008-10-26T21:46:00.004-05:00

I've officially changed my major to television with a concentration in writing/producing. This excites me.

Tamora left this morning. I cried. I didn't mean to, but I can't deal with this whole being alone in a new place thing. I mean, I know that I've been here for over two months now, but I don't have any super good friends. And it sucks.

I got food poisoning from the Subway on Halsted and Belmont. Never go there. Never get their meatball subs. You will die.

I think that once I get finished with my midterm and a lot of the other homework that I've been neglecting, I'll hop on the L and ride around to random parts of the city and look at different apartments. Tamora and I toured one called Lake Meadows that was lovely. One thing we noticed? We were the only white girls there. XD

I might go out and buy a notebook and fill it with information on different apartments and prices and good things about it and bad things about it and have it all prepared and ready, so that next time Tamora is able to make it to the city we can look at all of the good places and not waste our time looking at the shitty ones. The only thing that I really didn't like about Lake Meadows was that it doesn't have a dishwasher. Boo. :(

College is a strange thing. I honestly don't understand myself half of the time and I don't control the way I think anymore. There are weird things going on in my head and I really don't know how to react to them. It's strange. It kind of sucks, too.

Oh well. I'm gonna lie down and watch some movie that I got from Netflix. Ta.

I linger in the doorway...

2008-08-18T19:40:00.002-05:00

It's been nearly four months since I've posted.

Sorry about that. DX

Okay, so before I forget to write all of this down, here goes.

Tamora was here for two weeks - visiting. In those two weeks, we made so many memories that it's been... unreal.

So one of the amazing things that came out of this visit is an idea that won't go away. An idea that we've been messing around with and planning and it just MAKES SENSE.

Tamora and I have been doing this roleplay for three years now. It's so complicated and drama filled that it would take HOURS to explain it all. So many complicated relationships and all of the death and the pain and... man, it's amazing. Beautiful, even.

We've decided dun dun dun DUN!

To make a TV show out of it! Oh man, it's gonna be amazing. It's gonna be like Degrassi, only it's REALLY gonna go there. Like Buffy without the vampires... Like.. just fucking amazing, 'kay? It'll be great.

Now, we know that this won't start up for a long time. We need to finish college first, take some screen writing classes, all of that jazz. But it's gonna be beautiful. It's so realistically close now that I can't wait.

We've planned out the season finales and everything, too. Mannnnnn! I can't wait.

*dances*

lungs and lips locked

2008-04-22T15:51:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I hung out with Nick yesterday at Barnes and Noble. It was great, he has a lot of stuff going on with his family, so he's been pretty... unhappy lately, too. We had fun, though. I had a lot! I was laughing, for real, without worrying about looking like a dumbass or saying something stupid. I love how Nick is just the kind of person that you can talk to about stupid shit OR serious shit.

I feel like right now, I'm just getting by. Just biding my time until Columbia, but what if that doesn't work out either? What if I'm destined to spend my entire life "just getting by?" I really can't do this. I need to be able to depend on people, and I never have been. I used to think I could, but it's become painfully obvious that that's not true anymore. It sucks. It really hurts sometimes.

It's like this past weekend. I spent so much time, lying in bed, crying. Crying because it felt like no one gave a shit about me, and no one wanted me. It's like my last journal entry... it really, really hurts being ignored. I wish that people understood just how much. Who knows, maybe I'm just a crybaby.

M'kay, this needs to end. I keep trying to be optimistic, but it always goes back to this. This is me, this is how I feel. I can't help that. Sure, I can try to convince myself that there really are people who give a flying fuck about me, but when it's a case of, "oh, I care. I really do." but that's the extent that they go to, it's pretty fucking hard. It's not just my stupid self-esteem, it's a lot deeper than that.

Ugh. I don't even know anymore.

breaking us down with your lies

2008-04-20T00:12:00.003-05:00

Lately, I just want to SCREAM.

I'm not okay, for fuck's sake! When you ask how I'm doing, I'm gonna reply with "Okay" because that's what you want to hear. You don't want to know about my problems, because, quite honestly, you probably don't give a shit anyway. I'm really hurt. I wish I never opened up to anyone. I wish that I could stay inside all day long and not ever bother anyone again.

This feels so awful. I want to talk. Like, seriously talk. I want to be able to talk without feeling like I'm just pushing all of my problems onto someone else. I really, really, really don't mind listening to other people bitch and moan. I feel good that they come to me. But when I need someone, I've got nothing. I always come up short. And then, if I do unload on anyone, I feel SO fucking guilty.

I want to do something horribly self-destructive. I wish I was one of my fictional characters, because then at least I'd have a reason to be in therapy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, my parents are assholes. That's old. History. Who the fuck cares about that anymore?

I wish I was like my RP characters. I wish I was pretty and getting mixed up with the wrong guys. I wish I had someone to come save me. Because, right now, I feel like no one would. If anything terribly horrible happened to me, no one would save me.

Let's face it, I'm never gonna be in love. Not for real. I'm destined to spend my life alone, like the dumb fuck that I am. No one's gonna desire me. I'll never have that cliche romance that most of us secretly want. I'll never make that much of a difference in anyone's life. What the fuck am I living for?

I really hate being ignored. It hurts. So. Much.

though you die, la ressistance lives on!

2008-04-15T23:40:00.003-05:00

I think that loving South Park this much must be some kind of unhealthy. I mean, really. I bought the South Park movie soundtrack this weekend, and I've been listening to it. Obsessively. I also have been getting South Park DVDs on Netflix for the past... long time. I'm currently wrapping up season five, and I've just added 6-9 onto my queu.

I especially love "Le Ressistance Medley." I mean, c'mon, who couldn't love it?

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka! You're a boner biting bastard, uncle fucka!
-Looks like we may be out of luck!
+Tomorrow night, we're pretty fucked!

I had Mountain Town stuck in my head all day long. ...I fucking love South Park.

Okay, okay, anyway. What's been going on with me? The usual, really. Mediocre. Extreme highs and lows. Ugh. I dunno. I don't even know how therapy's going... it's just kind of like, we just mostly talk about stuff. Like, I talked about acting today. About how awesome I feel after a show. Meh. I miss acting. A lot.

I just want to get away from this place for a little while. I need a big city high. I remember when I went to NYC for five nights for New Years last year... it was like, AMAZING. I think I lived off of this constant high of being in a big city, 'cause when I got back I was seriously depressed. I hated it. I came back home and everything was just the same as it had been.

That's why I can't wait to be in Chicago. Big city. All kinds of people, being alive. Not sitting around on their asses complaining about the weather, you know? Yeah. I need to move soon. Like, whoa.

M'kay, I'm done.

you're moving too fast for me I... I can't keep up with you

2008-03-20T23:45:00.003-05:00

Today was a good day.

Faith wasn't working, so it was just Stephanie as manager. I also got to work with Ryan, Kim, and Victoria... and I like all of them, so that was good too. I made a lot of phone calls, but it wasn't as tense as it is when Faith's there. Fuck, she can make me so nervous.

You all should be very proud of me. I drove on the Lloyd. Multiple times this week. Me. On the Lloyd. And I've actually gotten to the point where I'm switching lanes, passing people, going over the speed limit.

...If you don't know, "The Lloyd" is the expressway that goes through Evansvile. It scares me, and I never, EVER take it. I always use the backroads to get to everything, and avoid the Lloyd at all costs. But... sadly, it's been raining like a mother fuckin' rainforest the last couple of days, and all of my usual routes are flooded. A bunch of schools closed down on Wednesday and had two hour delays today because of the flooding.

Hilary Clinton was in Evansville today, and I really wanted to go and hear her speak, but I didn't have a chance. I don't know who I'm for in this election, because... to be completely honest, I haven't been keeping up. And as far as my friends/family goes, it's completely split in two. Like, seriously. I think that I'm leaning more toward Obama, but I seriously don't know. He's supposed to be coming to Evansville as well, so hopefully I'll be able to see him. :)

I fucking love this new sandwhich at Subway.. it's called the chicken florentine (if I spelt that right). It's seasoned chicken with this spinach spread and american cheese. I fucking love it toasted. Mmm.

So I dealt with some dumbass brides today. One of which expected us to hold all of her mother fucking dresses until June, when her wedding was. I had the honor of calling the brides that had their gowns and BMs dresses that had arrived into the store. I also let them know that they had 7-10 days to pick them up. Well, this one bitch didn't think that that was right, and wanted us to hold them until her wedding. Fuck! If my wedding gown and brides maids dresses were in, I'd fucking want them. When my prom dress came in, and I was like, "OMG *puts it on and runs around the house*" I mean, seriously. It's your fucking wedding.

I've been watching classic Degrassi High, which I LOVE. I'm sick of Caitlin being all, "I'm a bitch!" and I fucking hate BLT for dumping Michelle. What an asshole. :( Stupid Cindy...

I still love the Once soundtrack, by the way.

it's never to become

2008-03-16T20:17:00.003-05:00

I can feel some kind of weight on my chest. It hurts to breathe, and it just feels like.. I'm suffocating. My arms, my legs, even my fingers hurt.

I don't know why.

I saw Andrea, my therapist, for the first time on the 11th. We talked a lot, and I really like her... I have an appointment on April 1st, and it kind of feels like that's way too long from now. Fuck. I don't know.

I've been starting to get hopeful that this is what I need. Therapy. A support system. And then I get this letter from the insurance company on Friday, saying that I'm only insured for eight more visits.

Fuck this. I'm finally feeling like I'm going to be okay, maybe, hopefully, we'll see. Then they pull this fucking shit on me. We're going to see what we can do, but I fucking blame my mom for having such shitty insurance. I blame my dad for fucking me up this much in the first place. I blame myself for not being able to deal.

I've got this problem, you see. I can't stand being left alone. We talked about this in therapy, and I was told that she thinks it's because I've never had enough support growing up. I think that when I DO get attention from someone, I SUFFOCATE them. I CRAVE attention. I need someone there for me. All of the fucking time. I gotta have it. I need to be able to call someone, day or night. I NEED someone to be able to talk to me when I need it, no matter what.

I think that that's why I can't hold friends. I'm emotionally demanding of people, and I hate that. But... I can't help it.

And there are things that I can't talk to anyone about. I can't talk about my self-injury, I can't talk about my suicidal thoughts, and I certainly can't tell people that I don't feel like I'm getting enough support or attention. It rubs people the wrong way, it annoys people, or whatever.

Earlier, I was lying in bed, crying my eyes out, convincing myself that it wouldn't be such a big deal if I just killed myself. I figured, fuck... it'd just be easier on everyone, wouldn't it?

I don't know. Fuck, I don't know. I just keep trying to convince myself that I'm gonna die some day anyway, might as well just finish myself off now. What have I got to live for? More of this shit?

It just really hurts right now, and knowing that I can't talk about this to anyone fucking sucks.

Please tell me that you're all right...

2008-03-07T19:38:00.002-06:00

Why yes, I do realize that I haven't posted on here in nearly a month. Thanks for noticing.

So I took a really big step last week. I was doing really, really bad. Like, handful of pills in my palm, don't be a fucking chicken, fuck everything, I don't give a shit anymore... I still kind of wish that I had had the guts to do it.

I didn't, though. Instead, I made an appointment with a therapist. Yeah.

It was hard. I wanted to turn back, and I still want to, but... I won't. I guess. I have an appointment on Tuesday, at 1 pm.

See, when I was eleven years old, my parents took me to a therapist in the small town of Rockport. I was excited. I knew, I knew that I all I had to do was tell an adult, who was being paid to listen to me, what the fuck was going on at my house, with my dad, with my family, and they would get. me. out. They would make it better! It'd be like the movies, yeah? Just like the movies...

Well, they put me on Zoloft, which did nothing but give my dad yet another reason to point out what was wrong with me. After the medication, they made me talk. And I did. I talked a lot. I told them about how my dad makes me feel, how he gets drunk all of the time, how he scared the fucking hell out of me. The bastard who called himself a therapist would twist everything around, and make all of it my fault. Yes, it is my eleven-year-old fault that my dad is an alcoholic and verbally abuses me day in and day out. Definitely.

So I told them that I was happy. They took me off of the medication, and they took me out of therapy. No use in wasting insurance money if the little fucker's happy, is there?

I wasn't happy. Therapy made everything worse. Little did I know, though, that I would be entering middle school soon, where life gets even shittier.

I survived, I guess. I'm still here, an emotional wreck.

It's just.. what am I gonna say to this lady? What am I gonna tell her. Hi, I'm Amanda, and though I'm 19 and am trying to be a functional adult, the bullshit childhood that I was stuck with still haunts me to this day. Oh, and I'm mentally demanding of everyone that I care about, I have random spurts of anger and agression, and I hear people in my head (people that I LIKE) telling me to stop being such a fucking pussy and just kill myself already.

I guess that that would be a start, eh?

Eugh. I need a new hobby. One that doesn't involve me being a crazy mother fucker.

home, is this a quiet place where you should be alone?

2008-02-10T11:07:00.000-06:00

In a few short hours, I will be a brunette. More more red headed Amanda, and hopefully this'll be my first step to getting my hair back to my natural hair color. I'm just.. sick of having to dye it all of the time, sick of my roots showing, sick of buying dye every freaking month. And yeah.

I hung out with Haley and Matty last night, which was fun. Haley and I pretended to be interested in buying a $650 puppy from the pet store, so that we could hold it. It was adorable, and I totally wish that I could have a puppy. (I wouldn't get a $650 one, though. I'd probably get one from the humane society.) I can't have a puppy, though, because I'm moving in a few months - and college dorms don't let you have pets. I'm still pretty stoked, though, 'cause... I'm moving out.

So the other night my dad was really drunk and acting stupid. After a while, he went from being a dumbass to an asshole and I ended up going on a drive to get away from it all. Which is about when I started crying. It was just... overwhelming. I pulled over at the Co-op (it's got like.. farmer shit and chemicals or something), and parked the car. I sat there for a while, the perfect picture of emo, until I finally calmed down enough to start driving again.

Driving, driving... holy fuck, a cop car comes out of nowhere and flashes its lights. I pull over, the lady gets out, and asks what I was doing at the stupid co-op. I tell her that I was crying and had to pull over. "You didn't drop anyone off?" "No... I'm alone." She takes my information, flashes her flash light through my car and leaves.

Pretty much, she pulled me over 'cause I pulled over at the co-op and I had to explain to her, whilst crying, that my dad was drunk and that I needed to get out of the house and got a little overwhelmed. That no, nothing's happening, it happens all of the time, and I'll be fine.

I really fucking hate my family.

Anyway, I'll post pictures of my hair once it's finished. It's probably gonna be pretty hawt.

day is long and everything's wasted

2008-01-22T22:20:00.000-06:00

I deserve some kind of a prize for today.

So, as you should realize, I live around 40-45 minutes from where I work, in Evansville. I normally leave an hour before my shift starts to make sure that I'm on time - due to traffic, road work, etc.

Today I didn't have to be at work until 4 pm, so I'm like, "score!" right? I took some nyquil at around 11, because I'm feeling sniffly and would really like a good night's sleep. I didn't set my alarm, 'cause, c'mon! I don't have to be there until 4! My mom wakes up and goes, "Don't you have to work today?"

"Yeah, at four," comes my sleepy reply.

"It's after three."

"NO!!!!!!!! NO FUCK NO NO NO NO NO NO. NO." I jump up and it's seriously like, five minutes after fucking 3. So I jump into the shower, dry off, blow dry my hair, get dressed, and leave. I look at my gas and I'm like, fuck, because I'm nearly on empty. SO I get gas on my way there, and I'm like, *in a hurry!* I hurry there, speeding the whole way, taking someone's turn at the 4-way stop, being a big asshole on the road and guess what?

I clocked in one. minute. late.

I'm fucking amazing.

In other news - HEATH LEDGER DIED? What the fuck is this? That's the guy from Brokeback Mountain! He's so pretty! :( How could that happen? Pretty people don't GET to die.

she's trying not to see you as her worst mistake

2008-01-21T20:51:00.000-06:00

So, my job at Bath and Body Works has officially ended. I worked my last day last day, and I shall never stand behind the cash register there, again. It's partially sad, but that just means that it opens more doors.

This week I work everyday except Friday at David's Bridal. My schedule's pretty much amazing, though. 4-10! That means sleeping in and avoiding rush hour traffic. It also means that I can eat before I go in at Olive Garden for six bucks with that endless bread, salad, and soup dealie. Which is fucking amazing, I might add.

I just finished filling out an application for Barnes and Noble. As much as I like not having to get up early, I probably shouldn't get into the habit of it, so I will be looking for a second job elsewhere. I'd really, really love to work at B&N, though, for obvious reasons. What's so obvious? I fucking love books.

I took Haley and Matty into B&N last night, and it was Matty's first time. We sat on the comfy chairs - Haley with a book about gay sex, me with a book about lesbian sex (I learned some interesting tips about shaving my vagina!), and Matty with a manga. What a loser, right?

Also, I sent in my housing application for Columbia College Chicago. Excited? You bet your fucking panties! I put a private bedroom shared apartment as my first option, and my second option is a shared bedroom apartment - so I'm pretty sure I'll get one of the other. Which means! I get to buy kitchen utensils, which is super exciting, no? There's a Bed Bath and Beyond right next to David's Bridal, and I went in there the other day - all excited. I get to play house. In Chicago.

So, this week at David's Bridal I'm making around $250. I need to put a big portion of my paychecks away into a savings account so that when I need to put in that $500 deposite for housing, I'll have it. Man, I need to go look at all kinds of stuff online now! Kitchen utensils, bedspreads, pillow cases, bath time accessories! I can't wait to move the fuck out of here. What's the count? Less than eight months.

I'm gonna hide out all night...

2008-01-20T01:07:00.000-06:00

Close my curtain, and dim my lights. I'm gonna lay here alone, close my eyes, and wish for home....

I've wasted a good portion of tonight brooding.

So there I was, pretty okay, sitting in front of the computer screen. The person that I had been chatting with left, so I was staring at the screen when it hit me. I was sad. I didn't know why, and I didn't know how, but I was fucking sad.

I typed, "I feel sad and it kind of sucks." Into the IM that I had had with my friend and sent it, getting her away message. And then I cried. You know those hot tears that just bubble over and there's no stopping them?

Why did I do that? As I'm sitting there, crying, I realize that there's something hurting in my chest. When I became more aware of the fact, it started throbbing and became deeper, and I couldn't control it. And, the worst part is, I think a part of me didn't want to control it.

I went into my room and turned my laptop on to listen to music. This is the End by Straylight Run randomly started playing, and my tears just worsened. I lay there for what seemed like hours, curled up in the dark, with sad music playing. When I finally decided that this was enough, I picked up the phone and tried to call someone. And then someone else. And then another..! And I failed each time.

Which made things feel even worse.

So now, here I am. Cold and shivering at the computer. And why?

I have no fucking idea.

I have to reach my arms outstretched to you 'cause I know we're through

2008-01-13T23:57:00.000-06:00

So that whole church thing didn't work out, but I did end up hanging out with Haley and Matty a couple of times this week. I love those kids. Turns out, they're just as sadistic, if not more, than I.

So what the fuck is up with this Eruka anime thing? I sometimes get really bored and google random things, and I found a lot of results for some kind of anime named "Eruka 7." This can't possibly be, because Eruka is my name, and no one else's. Damn it.

I adore this song by Eisley. I know that if I type the lyrics, it won't look as good as it would if you just listened to it, so go and download it. It's called Go Away and it's by the very lovely band called Eisley.

I feel uninspired. I was working on this thing for one of my Roleplays, but I can't write anymore. I pick up the pencil, and all that comes out is mush. Rawr. I had feeling like this.

Oh well, must sleep. I might work tomorrow. (Call in. Ugh.)

By the way, I miss my car. It's still in the shop.

I hope she doesn't have to see what became of her family

2008-01-09T15:26:00.000-06:00

It's weird how something like, my car breaking down can make me feel like such a lazy bum again. I woke up at 1:30 in the afternoon, watched an episode of Pokemon, then an episode of Malcolm in the Middle, and then I showered. Oh, and I ate leftover pizza and ice cream.

That's pretty much how my day went yesterday, except I didn't watch Pokemon.

So I finally saw that movie, the Bridge to Teribithia (I'm not sure if that's the correct spelling). Why did no one tell me that that movie was so fucking sad? I wasn't prepared to cry my fucking eyes off. So what do I do? Watch it again, and cry my eyes out again.

It's like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I rented it one night and I'm like, "yeah! A happy movie about pants!"

Why did no one tell me that it was so fucking sad?! Why did no one inform me that I'd cry my fucking eyes out? They should have some kind of warning at the beginning of the movie: Warning, the content of this film may cause some viewers to cry their fucking eyes out.

I asked my dad yesterday if he'd drive me to work for today, and he said no. Instead, he said, "take your mother's car." If any of you know anything about my mother's car, then you'd realize how ridiculous this suggestion was. Not only is my mother's car a fucking boat, but can't go over 50 miles an hour. Now, the speed limit on the two-way is 55, and I typically go around 70 mph on it. This would not have worked out.

So instead, I called David's Bridal last night and told them that I was unable to make it to work. My paycheck is going to suck so bad.

Jessica wants me to go with her to church tonight. Now, if you know me at all, you'd know that I'm an atheist. Yet, despite that, I'm actually considering going, just so I can have something to fucking do. Last time that I was bored enough to go to any kind of church function, it was with Jennifer and her parents to a swim party over the summer. I nearly got into a fight with her cousin about homosexuality.

The conversation went a little something like this:

Church Girl: "So like, I was in Barnes and Noble once, and this guy was wearing make-up."
*long pause*
Moi: "...And?"
Church Girl: "He was like, gay."
*another long pause*
Moi: "...And?"
Church Girl: "Well, all of us here belive in god and know that being a fag is wrong."

It took a lot of will power to not have a throw down in the deep end. For one, if you're SO big and above homosexuals, then why do you have to stoop down to a level to go so far as to call someone a "fag" when you know that that's the equivelant of calling someone a "nigger?"

I just can't stand people being so ignorant to things like that. This is one of the reasons why I do not want to attend church with Jessica, but I'm pretty much desperate to be around other human beings.

Plus, I asked her if we could go somewhere else afterward to help me forget about the whole experience.

Now, mind you, I'm not anti-religion. I think it's good that some people have religion, because they need it. I just don't. I'm not against anything, I just don't believe in it. I can't base my entire life around some god that I can't believe exists. I didn't "lose my faith," because I never had any to begin with. That doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me, and no, I don't have all of the answers. I don't know what happens to us when we die, but I do love the idea of reincarnation. That'd be cool. Nick explained to me the whole of ideas of reincarnation once, when I was horribly suicidal. Surprisingly enough, it did cheer me up.

Well, if I do end up going to a church tonight, I'll update about it later.

you're a part time lover and a full time friend...

2008-01-08T15:15:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was interesting.

My parents picked me up in my dad's giant, white truck at the Holiday Inn at around one in the afternoon. It was embarrassing riding around in a white truck that read "git r done" on the windshield, but I lived. Let's be thankful for that.

We drove to Shiloh and stopped at a Quiznos. Now, the last time I had eaten a meal was Sunday afternoon before I started the drive to St. Louis. This also had been my only meal that day. We get to Quiznos and I order my usual broccolli and cheese soup breadbowl and sit down with it. I definitely devoured that sucker in under five minutes.

Tamora called me and I told her that I had, in fact, made it to the Dresden Dolls show. We talked for a few minutes, then I had to go and find my car. We had to get a trailer from a U-Haul station and drag my car back to Indiana. It took a very, very long time to get there.

My ears are still popping from listening to my MP3 player constantly the four hour drive. (It was only supposed to be three and a half, but my dad got lost. And he went 55 miles an hour on the interstate. Semis were passing us. Also note that I have a lead foot when I drive, and I go 80 on the interstate.)

Dad took my car to some place called "Jody's" and I don't know what's going on with it. I had to call in to David's Bridal last night and told them that I couldn't make it into work the next day (which is currently today) and my manager didn't sound happy about that. Sorry, not my fault.

Anyway, so The Dresden Dolls played this AMAZING cover for Fight For Your Right, and I thought I was going to pee myself. Brian fucking Viglione sang. God, he's amazingly gorgeously hot. Amanda went into the audience for The Gardner, which is an amazing song that you can find on automaticjoy.com. Oh, and they did Sorry Bunch! My god, I love them more and more every time I see them.

Oh, and I saw Juno a few nights ago. It was amazing.

So, here's the final count. I left home on Sunday at around one o'clock in the afternoon. I got home at a little after seven in the evening on Monday. Do I regret going? Fuck no.

Can't you just fix it for me? I'll pay you well.

2008-01-07T10:51:00.000-06:00

Who ever knew that I would need the AC turned on high in January. I woke up sweating, hearing the sound of distant cars zooming by and I realized that yesterday had, in fact, been real, and not a horrifying, terrible, and yet amazing dream.

It all started out with me, planning on see The Dresden Dolls in St. Louis. I knew that I could do this, remember? I drove all the way to St. Louis in my little cavalier on Christmas day. Piece of cake, right?

So I'm on my way there, and things are going just great. I'm less than 30 miles away and realize that I can't make it any further. I. Must. Pee. So I pull over at this rest stop and pee for like, seriously, five minutes straight. I call my mom, let her know that I'm cool. Dad thinks that I'm staying the night with a friend, which is dumb, I'm 19. If I want to go to a concert, I'll go to a fucking concert. I don't need his permission.

So I finish the conversation with my mom, buy a strawberry soda and some funky multicolored twizlers. I get in the car, all happy, I'm going to be early to the concert! Maybe I'll get to hang out with Amanda a Brian! Maybe they'll play The Jeep Song! Maybe... my car won't fucking start.

I try about a million times to get the damn thing to work, but it won't. So I call mom up and she tells me that there's a AAA insurance card in my glove compartment. I get it out, call them, get transferred to a Illinois AAA, and they're like, "is the card holder in the car with you?" And I'm like, "No." So after like, ten minutes of confusing conversations with these fucking fucktards, I'm like, "never mind, my car started up. Thanks."

So I'm driving, and it's going good, I see a sign saying less than 20 miles. "Twenty miles whoo!" WHAT THE FUCK happened to my speedometer needle? It went INSANE. It goes up and down from zero to seventy, up and down and in between, like crazy. I'm like, "WTF? " And I'm like, please don't die, please don't die. But of course it does. Ugh.

So I pull over to the shoulder and start flipping out. I had to calm myself down by breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth a few times. Finally, I calm down enough so that I can call mom, and she calls AAA for me, and they call me and are like, "where are you?" And I told her, "I'm about twenty miles from St. Louis on the I-64, going west." that's plenty of information, isn't it? Well, obviously not from this bitch. She is like, "what mile are you on?" WTF? Like I know?

Finally, after me crying on the phone to her and telling her that I'm fucking TWENTY MILES FROM ST. LOUIS GOING WEST ON THE I-64 and that's ALL that I know, she finally gets the tow person to come get me. He tows my car to some place in nowhere Shiloh, IL. He's all like, "There's a grocery store over there, they have a phone book." and he left.

Okay, yes, I have traveled alone many times, but fuck! I'm a 19 year old from down yander hickville Indiana. You think that I know what I'm doing? And the whole time, I'm like, "if I don't see the Dresden Dolls, someone's going to die."

So I go into the grocery store and they help me find a taxi service. They tell me to take the "metrolink" to the Delmar loop to get to the pageant that way. I tell the taxi driver what's up, what happened, where I'm going, and he's telling me how dangerous the East Side of St. Louis is, where the metrolink goes before going to Delmar. I'm like, "oh.." and he's freaking me out, 'cause he's telling me this long story about him taking the metrolink with his family and all of this crazy stuff that I've never seen except for on tv and he's like, "You know what? I'll just take you to St. Louis." So he takes me RIGHT to the Pageant for 10 bucks. He was super nice.

I get there, see the most AMAZING band ever (seriously), and have the time of my fucking life. Oh, and they did a cover for Fight For Your Right! And they did The Gardner and Sorry Bunch and Glass Slipper and Mein Herr, and I swear, it was one orgasm after another. The Dresden Dolls will always be my favorite band. Ever.

Brian couldn't hang out after the show, but Amanda did and she signed a couple of pictures from the Knoxville show (October '06). She really liked one of them and wanted me to e-mail it to her, and I'm like, "yeah!"

I swear to you, that was my third time to meet her, and I was still like, shaking and stumbling over my words.

Okay, so then I finished meeting her and had to go back to reality. I called a taxi and took it to some Holiday Inn and spent a hundred fucking bucks on a room. Ugh. So here I am, using the high speed internet, and I have to be out of her at 12. It's 11:11. My parents are on their way here, but I don't know when they'll get here. :/

This has been an interesting experience.

oil marks appear on walls

2008-01-04T06:08:00.000-06:00

I just love getting up at five in the morning to get ready for yet another fun-filled day at David's Bridal. Surprisingly, though, the job is pretty easy and we don't even open until 11, so for the first three hours it's just me and a manager, and I answer the phone calls and schedule appointments.

I hate it when people walk in and I'm like, "Welcome to David's Bridal, what brings you in today?" And they start talking and I don't know what the fuck to do. I suppose that I was like this at Bath and Body Works at first as well, but I miss working there. I was more comfortable there, and I knew what I was doing. People thought that I was a vetran, because I knew so much about the products. I'm scheduled to work tomorrow, but I'm still just a call-in. Next week? One day. Call-in. And, it would only be a three hour shift.

This fucking sucks. I mean, yeah, BBW was more work than David's Bridal, but it felt more like home. I miss it, as pathetic as that sounds. I haven't worked since... I think it was the day I cried, actually. Haha...

Anyway, the concert's on Sunday and I don't have a camera. This really sucks, but I have taken about a million and a half pictures of them before, and I've already had my picture taken with them, so I GUESS it'll be okay. It just doesn't feel right. :(

I have some things for DD to sign, so I hope that they stick around after the show. I took some AMAZING pictures at their Knoxville show back in October of '06 and this is the first time I've seen them since then, and I want them to sign some of the copies. andiwanttohavebriansbabies.

It's time to rinse off this face mask. Must go.

damn your mood swings

2008-01-03T08:31:00.000-06:00

So this is the fun part in life where you have to sit around, after waking up much too early, to be able to call in to work to see if they need you today. This method works for some people that I work with, because they live near the mall. As for me, I leave an hour before my shift starts, therefore I have to get up, get ready, and then call them. If they don't need me? I'm stuck looking gorgeous with nothing to do.

Fun, right?

I went to see Sweeney Todd last night with some of my friends. I've seen it already, and yes, I was disappointed. It was very good as far as Tim Burton and his gang bang goes, but as far as Angela Lansbury and George Hearn are concerned, I was disappointed. For instance, I didn't feel one bit disturbed. Yes, the blood squirting was gross, but insanely fake, and that wasn't a big part of being disturbed in the broadway.

Things that I did love, though, were amazing. I loved By the Sea, even though the cut out some good lines. Not While I'm Around was really good, even though the little kid kind of forced his words out. I understand, though, he was a little kid. I did love how Mrs. Lovett seemed so attached to Toby, it made me tear up a little when she knew that they had to kill him.

As much as I love Helena Carter, though, she wasn't my Mrs. Lovett. She wasn't frantic enough, her singing was really good, but just not... Mrs. Lovett. Johanna was too pretty - both physically and her voice.

Oh, but I did love how Anthony let the lunatics attack Fogs. I missed all of City on Fire, Kiss Me, the Ballads, and just the parts where Towns People were supposed to be singing. I loved in the Broadway how they all gathered around and sang at the end, and some of them still had blood pouring down their necks. That was fucking creepy.

Well, it's about time to call work now.

....

They don't need me. Hurrah. Back to bed.

with the scenery flying by

2008-01-02T06:13:00.000-06:00

I had to wake up at 5:30 in the morning, and I'm fucking tired. I have work at David's Bridal from 8-2, and it takes about an hour to get to work from my house. Why do I drive an hour to work, you may ask? I hate small towns. End of story.

David's Bridal is a pretty easy job, though. I get to sit at the desk and answer phones and write down appointments and meet costumers as they come in the door and welcome them in and have them sit down and fill out stuff. It pays a buck more than BBW, though it's a ton easier.

So I used this sugar scrub called "Need a margarita?" this morning and it feels amazing. I smell like lime and my skin is super soft. I'll finish it off in a minute with "Tahiti, Sweetie" body lotion. I also need to put my face mask on. It's cucumber peppermint and feels amazing.

One thing that I love about waking up early in the morning - you feel productive. Well, I don't right now, but that's only because I'm sitting on my ass in a towel, writing in my blog, listening to Jewel. But in a minute! I will definitely get up and start getting further ready.

I no doubt update this again tonight, with exciting news about David's Bridal. Perhaps I'll come home and start actually working on this thing that I'm writing.

That's how I've refferred to it for a very long time. "This thing that I'm writing" or "this story thing." I've been working on it for well over a year now, and it's only on its fifth chapter. It's still untitled and it's still in its very rough draft stage. I like to imagine having it published someday and people reading my blog thinking, "I wonder if it was the book that made her famous..."

Hah. I'm definitely no JK Rowling.

you're drinking what they're selling

2008-01-01T21:27:00.000-06:00

Last night I drank alcohol for the first time. Ever.

Yes, I do know that I'm currently nineteen and that most people my age have been drunk countless times. I am also aware that I'm pathetic.

I drove home after they were sure that I was completely sober, and still managed to get completely and utterly lost. I ended up on the West Side, when I was already on the East Side and just needed to get further East. I saw a sign for Mt. Vernon and nearly started crying, going, "Where the hell am I?!"

I called my mom, freaking out on the phone to her, telling her that I had absolutely no idea where I was. I flipped out and started crying when I parked the car at the Hacienda. She talked me into finding the Wal-Mart and this very nice lady went outside and pointed to the stop light, told me to go straight on that, then go to the second one and turn straight and it would take me all the way through Newburgh.

She was right and I was fine. I'm completely hopeless when it comes to know what I'm doing, when I'm driving. I'm so glad that I didn't die or something, though.

Today my father was drunk and acting like an idiot. I came into the kitchen to put something away and he said something along the lines of, "look at Amanda, acting like she's all better than everyone else." So I turned to him and said, "No, I'm pissed because you're drunk and it's annoying the hell out of me."

I used to be scared shitless of my dad. Now that he's old and gotten completely idiotic (it's the crystal meth, says my mother), he doesn't scare me so much. Just annoys the fuck out of me.

It's always been that way with my dad, though. He's always been a drunk. I have vague memories of waking up in the middle of the night to find my dad with friends over, dancing on the table. He used to get violent. He tried to kill my mother when I was in the eight grade. When I was in the fifth grade, my parents forced me to see a therapist and my doctor prescribed me with Zoloft.

My dad loved that. He would always make fun of me for needing anti-depressants. Because, of course, we all know that being depressed is one, huge joke.

When I was younger, I thought that drinking was a horrible thing. I would never, ever drink and told everyone that it was bad. I think if my younger self had seen me last night, I probably would've gotten slapped in the face.

Not that there really is anything wrong with drinking, because there isn't. I didn't do anything wrong, I had one and a half drinks and got a little tipsy, I think, but that's it.

I just don't know if I should ever do it again.

is it any wonder?

2007-12-30T19:55:00.000-06:00

I had a mini break down at Bath and Body Works tonight, and it was not fun. I can't explain it well, but it was horrible. I've got these people all clustered around where the line is supposed to be, and I say, "I need everyone who's in line to move back to the ropes so that we can have a clear walkway through here." What happens? They look at me. And stare. Like I'm a fucking moron.

No, you're a fucking moron. Know why, know why? Because you listen to me, bitch.

I got pretty frazzled and had some lady bitching at me, saying that she had her son stand in line for her. Okay, lady, the line wasn't very long at all. What the fuck is wrong with you? I tried to talk some sense into her and tell her that we're trying to make it as fair as possible for everyone, but we need to keep it orderly.

Frizzy Haired Bitch didn't like that. Frizzy Haired Bitch wants her way, god damn it.

I send her to a cashregister to make her shut the fuck up, and then Amber walks up and is all, "You're taking my place while I take a break." And I'm like, thank fucking god. So I leave and Lindsey (a manager) comes up to me and is like, "Hey, I need to talk to you." And asks me what was happening over at the line and that Carri (my boss) said that I looked a bit distraught.

Yeah, I started crying. Yeah, I'm touchy. The end.

These bitches need to learn that you can't act like an asshole and get away with it. Like yesterday, some lady got this giftset for Christmas and she wanted to exchange it. She was told that she could not get money back, since she didn't have a receipt, and she'd have to get store credit for half of the price, because that was the last sale price.

Cucumber Melon Whore didn't like that. I don't know all of the details, but I was told that it got down to Cucumber Melon Whore hitting my boss in the face with a bottle of lotion.

I hate people. They're stupid. They're insane. And they're fucking rude.

Don't be stupid or insane. Okay? That's your new goal in life.

No, wait. Let's make it a New Years resolution. Don't be stupid, insane, or rude. Especially to people who're working their ass off for seven bucks an hour.

I go ahead and smile

2007-12-30T11:40:00.000-06:00

I smell really good right now.

I absolutely adore this Tahiti, Sweetie lotion that I bought from BBW. What I don't adore? Spending way too much at the semi-annual sale, and not being able to help it. The deals are just so good! And I haven't tried everything in the store yet, therefore, must. buy. things.

I work at Bath and Body Works, by the way. I also work at David's Bridal. It's not as exciting as it may sound. In fact, it was pure boredom that made me start this blog.

So New Years Eve is tomorrow and Luis invited me to come over. He wants me to meet his "husband" (he's gay, so it's not like, official in a world full of idiots).

This year has been different. I graduated from high school, and ever since then, I've been working. I don't know where all of my money seems to go (BBW, I guess), but I just want to be done with this. I'm sick of these meaningless problems that I hear about going on, and I just want out. This place is hell to me, and Chicago's that place that I can never reach.

Okay, it's officially ONE WEEK until The Dresden Dolls concert. This'll be my fifth concert, fourth time seeing the Dresden Dolls, and I'm going alone. So what if it's a Sunday night, guys? Skip school, it's not that big of a deal. But on Christmas day I drove all the way to St. Louis and back, just to mostly see if I could do it. It was very spontaneous, I know.

I did it, though. I found the venue and I feel more at ease now that I can do this. It's a good feeling.

I have to head off now, though. Work. I hope it's not crazy insane like it has been, though. My god. What is it with people and sales?

....Yes, I do realize that I sound like a huge hypocrite.

I like this. Not having to worry about who's reading it. Not censoring myself. LiveJournal has gotten to the point where I don't even want to write how I'm feeling anymore.

Okay. This is ending now. kthnx.